1. Worshiping Jesus.
"As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think his system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting changes, and I have, with most of the present dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity." -- Benjamin FranklinSee that?!? Best in the world, motherfucker! I don't quite understand the rest of what he's saying there. . . I stopped reading when he talks about England. Crooked tooth bastards. But if Ben says Jesus is the best, then it's so. Ben Franklin was a great man, and a job creator.
See? Jobs.
2. Drinking beer.
"Beer, if drank with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health." -- Thomas Jefferson"Softens the temper!!! Beer!!! Thomas Fucking Jefferson!!!" That's what I told that socialist bitch judge at my drunk and disorderly hearing, but apparently her liberal agenda doesn't include RESPECTING OUR GODDAM FOUNDING FATHERS!
3. Playing baseball.
"Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?" -- Eddie HarrisYou can't argue with Major League, the greatest movie ever made. Not only does Eddie Harris (an American hero) profess the power of Jesus, he actively fights paganism.
"Up your butt, Jobu."
"But what about football?" you ask? Yes, football kicks ass, but it came later. John Hancock and Samuel Adams did not play on the same football team, 'cause it didn't fucking exist! They played baseball together, because Abraham Lincoln didn't invent football until 1869. And he was a Republican. Freed the slaves. Look it up. Call me a racist now, you Marxist tool.
4. Kicking Ass
"'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way." -- George Washington
Fuck yeah!
Now are those principles so hard to follow? Well, I sure the hell don't think so. Excepting liberals nowadays are doing everything they can to get rid of Jesus, and make this a pagan country. Don't believe me? Look at their war on Christmas. You can't get rid of Christmas, you filthy atheists! Look at the name. . . Christmas. Let's break it down:
Christmas -- Christ means Christ. As in Jesus H.
Christmas -- Mas means "more" in Spanish.
Christmas -- Christ more!
It's pretty simple as I see it. The word "Christmas" means we should have MORE Jesus, not less! It's not Christnomas, now is it?!?
Seeing as how I have proven that this is a Christian country, I find it disgusting that I have to live every day of every month under a pagan cloud. Apparently (according to my idiot coworker that believes in evolution), the names of our days and months are named after gods and stuff other than Jesus! Like Roman and Swedish gods and stuff. "Bullshit," I said. "Look it up," he said. "Fuck you," I replied. Well, when I got home from the foundry, I looked it up. And that scumbag is right on this one!
Being a man of action, I decided to do something about it. I'm proposing changes to the names of the days and months. I'm going to send them to Mitt Romney, so that he can implement them when he becomes president. Yeah, I know he's not a real Christian, but he's better than that Islamic that was born in Africa that we got in office now.
Here goes. . .
Days
Old Name:
SundayMeaning:
This one ain't too complicated. It was named Sun's Day after some pagan Roman holiday. As far as I see it, all you liberals need to get off your lazy, welfare asses and go to. . .New Name:
Churchday.Old Name:
MondayMeaning:
This one was Moon Day, after some moon goddess or some shit. Well, all I know about the moon is that the USA owns that shit ever since John Glenn was the first man to walk on it. And Glenn Beck is a modern-day prophet, so. . .New Name:
GlenndayOld Name:
TuesdayMeaning:
Some Norse god named Tyr was responsible for this one. Tyr? The only tires I care about are the the ones on my F150. And the car industry has made America great ever since Ford invented gasoline. He also made some kick ass cars, like the Model T, Mustang, and. . .New Name:
ThunderbirdayOld Name:
WednesdayMeaning:
These Swedes are pretty stupid when it comes to gods. Great at pancakes, awful at gods. They say this Odin guy is the father of all the gods. Well, I only know one father of gods. He's got two boys, their names are Jesus H. and Holy G., and His name is God. So. . .New Name:
GoddayOld Name:
ThursdayMeaning:
Goddam Swedes again. Thor's Day. All I know is that Thor is the shittiest of The Avengers. He's got that long hair, and he talks funny, and he wears a cape. I think he might be a queer. Most of The Avengers don't deserve a day. Black Widow is a woman and Russian, and Hulk is colored. There's only one Avenger that deserves a day to be named after him. He's a capitalist, job creator that built his business without any government help, and he shoots little missiles and shit.New Name:
IronmandayOld Name:
FridayMeaning:
Alright, get this shit. Apparently, this was named after some god named Frigg. Friggin' Frigg. You've gotta be shitting me. People seem to like this day, and I don't think it's worth changing all those TGIF posters, so keeping with the "F" theme. . .New Name:
FundayOld Name:
SaturdayMeaning:
Saturn's Day. Ain't no way I'm having one of the best days of the week named after what is arguably our gayest planet. With all them rings and colors and hanging out around Uranus and such? Queer as the day is long. This day is about college football. And the greatest college football player of all time also happens to have been our greatest president of all time. He played at Notre Dame, and they called him the Gipper. The best day of the week will now be called. . .New Name:
ReagandayMonths
Old Name:
JanuaryMeaning:
Named after Janus, a two-faced Roman god. Sounds to me like a flip-flopper. "I was for being a god before I was against it." The only two-face I know is Two-Face from the comics. Which comics? Only the baddest ass comics around. An ass-kicking, lady-killing, captain of industry. . .New Name:
BatmanuarySignificant Date in History:
On Funday, Batmanuary 11th, 1861, Alabama seceded. Which inspired the greatest song of all time, "Sweet Home Alabama." Not only does this song rock, it gives a big ol' finger to Neil Young.Pull the trigger! Fuck you, hippies!
Old Name:
FebruaryMeaning:
Before we get to the meaning, just let me say that this month sucks balls. It's hard to say because there's a stupid extra R in there, and it's cold, and it's spelled funny, and it sucks. Anyway, February is named after some purification bullshit. The only pure thing I know of is the mother of Jesus.New Name:
VirginmarySignificant Date in History:
On Ironmanday, Virginmary 1st, 1951, the US performed the first nuclear test. Boo-yeah!Fuck you, commies!
Old Name:
MarchMeaning:
This was named after some god of war named Mars. The only god of war I know of kicked some terrorist Iraqi ass all over the desert. Shock & Awe, bitches! This month was an unknown unknown, but now it's something we know we know.New Name:
RumsfelchSignificant Date in History:
On Churchday, Rumsfelch 19th, 1848, Wyatt Earp was born.Fuck you, OK Corral occupiers!
Old Name:
AprilMeaning:
This means "opening" or something, like with flowers and such. As far as I'm concerned, April is a perfectly passable girl's name, and most girls named April are cute. And if they're opening up for me, all the better. The name stays.New Name:
AprilSignificant Date in History:
In the early morning hours of Glennday, April 15th, 1912, the Titanic finally went under. Unfortunately, that slut Rose wasn't on it.Fuck you, whore!
Old Name:
MayMeaning:
Another stupid-ass Roman god. And I'm not keeping this name, 'cause I don't know of any cute girls named May. The only May I know is Aunt May from Spiderman. She's old and a little bitchy, to be honest. May is when spring starts, and if we're going with a name, it might as well be a manly, American name. "Spring" is in the word "Springsteen," so. . .New Name:
BruceSignificant Date in History:
On Godday, Bruce 1st, 1929, police killed 19 May Day demonstrators in Berlin. Damn right!Fuck you, socialists!
Old Name:
JuneMeaning:
This month was based on the movie Juno. It's about a teenage girl who has a whore-baby. And Diablo Cody is a stripper slut. And I hate snark. I'm not looking forward to more of her shitty movies, so there's no fucking way this name sticks. What I am looking forward to is the Rapture and Jesus coming back to rule on earth after kicking Obama's ass. But that can't happen without Armageddon. And Armageddon can't happen without the temple being built in Jerusalem. And that can't happen without the great state of Israel kicking Islamic ass. Therefore, in support of our Semitic friends. . .New Name:
JewnSignificant Date in History:
On Thunderbirday, Jewn 6th, 1944, the Americans D-Dayed Germany and killed Hitler.Fuck you, Nazis!
Old Name:
JulyMeaning:
This one's named after one of them Italian emperors. A guy named Julius. Yeesh. . . Julius. The only good Julius is Orange. He also thought he was a son of the gods. We all know who's the only son of God.New Name:
JesusSignificant Date in History:
Every 4th of Jesus is significant, you Leninists. Independence Day, bitches!Fuck you, Queen Elizabeth!
Old Name:
AugustMeaning:
Augustus was the brother of that Julius guy. Well Jesus has a brother, too. And his name is Holy Ghost.New Name:
HolygustSignificant Date in History:
On Ironmanday, Holygust 14th, 1873, "Field and Stream" began publishing. It's the only thing I read.Fuck you, mainstream liberal media!
Rest of the Old Names:
September, October, November, and DecemberMeanings:
They got really lazy here (just like a liberal). These are just based on numbers. Which don't even fucking match the month! September is based on 7, October - 8, November - 9, and December - 10. They're all two months off! Stupid shits. I'm not just going to move them to new numbers, because a) I don't trust math and science, and b) they're Arabic numerals and I don't trust Arabs.Instead of numbers, I decided to use the four greatest presidents of these United States. They are, in reverse order:
George H. W. Bush -- Because he kicked Saddam's ass.
Harry S. Truman -- Because he atomic bombed the fuck out of the Japanese. No democrat would ever have the balls to do that.
George W. Bush -- Because he kicked Saddam's ass again!
And the greatest, of course. . .
Ronald Reagan -- Because he's Ronald goddam Reagan.
New Names:
Bushember, Trumanary, W, and ReaganSignificant Date in History:
On Reaganday, Reagan 25th, 1971, I celebrated Christmas for the first time. Clearly the best date ever.Fuck yeah, Reagan!
God bless America. And God bless the GOP.
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