Why Rose From "Titanic" is the Worst Kind of Whore

Now, you might think that Rose was a dirty whore because of the whore-like behavior that she displayed while whoring it up with Jack all over the Titanic.  And you'd be right.  A hundred state rooms throughout the ship, and she threw her heels behind her ears in the backseat of a car.  Class act, all the way.  Nevermind that she was engaged.  Let's also create some early 20th century porn.  "Oh, you're an artist?  This shirt is itchy, let me just pop this off. . . oops!  I forgot I wasn't wearing a corset!  Let me just move this amazingly expensive necklace I received as a gift from my fiance out of the way of my starboard nipple."  My god, she was behaving like the Titanic was the Girls Gone Wild bus.

But she was young.  And while she certainly behaved like a world-class whore, it didn't make her the worst kind of whore.  That feat is accomplished by the old, present day, Rose.  "What?" you say?  "That sweet old grandmother?  The worst kind of whore?"  Oh, yeah.  Don't let the sweet, wheelchair bound, wrinkled face fool you.  Old Rose is a vile creature, who should have been rolled off the deck into the ocean as soon as she helicoptered onto the deck of the research ship at the start of the movie.  Roll credits.

Allow me to state my case.

Let's start with some knowns:
Rose had at least one child.
Rose had at least one grandchild.

Let's fill in the rest of her story with some rational assumptions:
Rose married within a few years after the wreck.
Rose did not marry Jack or Cal, so it was some other guy.  Let's call him Sam.
Rose and Sam had a large family, which was customary for the time.
Sam provided for her well, seeing as how she lived to be 100 or so.
Sam loved her, and Rose loved him.  We know she's willing to ditch a guy she doesn't like, so there's no reason to doubt this.
Rose and Sam had many grandchildren, whom they loved.
Based on the age of her granddaughter in the movie, Rose had several great-grandchildren.
Since men don't live as long as women, Sam died many years before Rose, and she cried at his funeral.
Due to Rose's extraordinarily long life, several of her children died before her, and she cried at their funerals.

Okay, now we're painting a good picture.  After her two or three day fling with Jack, she started a new life.  She fell in love, got married, was loved and supported by her husband, raised a loving and supporting family (her granddaughter still takes care of her), and essentially moved on with her life.  Sounds sweet, right?  Wrong.  This is what makes her the worst kind of whore.

First of all, she kept that necklace all this time.  Even though Jack wasn't the one who gave it to her, she used it as a reminder of her trampy weekend with him.  And she hid it from her husband and family.  You don't think Sam would have had some thoughts on the matter of owning a multi-million dollar necklace that she hid in a shoebox buried in the closet?  He busts his hump to support his wife and put his eight kids through college for no reason?  Bitch.  That's bad, but still not bad enough to be the worst kind of whore.

Here's the deal.  Based on the movie, when you die, you go to heaven where the people you love are waiting for you.  So Sam, who died about 30 years before Rose, has been up in heaven bending everyone's ear about his incredible wife.  "She has beautiful eyes, and brother, lemme tell ya, she can fill out a sweater.  Huh?  Nudge nudge. . .know what I mean?  No, really, she's great.  I can't wait until she joins me."  But she just keeps on living.  And then a couple of Sam and Rose's kids show up.  "Welcome to heaven!  I'm so sorry you're dead, but it's great up here.  Don't worry, mommy will join us soon."

And they wait.  Day after day.  Year after year.  Loving. . . patient.

And then Rose dies.  Sam is thrilled.  He puts on his finest duds, gathers his kids around, "Jesus, Kevin.  You couldn't be bothered to wear a tie?  It's only your mother coming to be with us, that's all.  Stand up!  There she is!  Rose, my love!  Over here!"

And she keeps on walking.

"She must not see us.  Yell louder.  ROSE!!!  Over here!"  "Mom!  Hey, it's Kevin!  We're right here!"

And on she goes.

"This can't be right.  I know that's her!  I spent my whole life loving her.  We raised all you kids.  Where is she going?  I've waited all this time.  ROSE!  Don't leave me!  Why?!?  Oh God, I must be in hell.  Why won't you talk to me?!?  Oh God, Kevin, what is happening?  ROSE, I LOVE YOU!"

And where does Rose go?  Down to the Titanic.  Where her weekend fling is waiting for her on a staircase.  Heaven.  Where Rose decided to whore it up while her family cries, and wonders, and is tortured for all eternity.  And as her children die, they are not met by their mother and father, but only by their emotionally crippled father and confused siblings.

And that's why Rose from "Titanic" is the worst kind of whore.


Coming soon. . . Dangerous Dan or:  How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love Being Chased by a Guy in a Van.